It's a Small World After All.

So...upon leaving Chicago, Seattle*, essentially this country, I thought I would be free from a few things for the next month. I guess I was wrong. Here are a few examples. Warning: This may or may not be painful to read so let's just get the most painful one out of the way.

1. MULLETS: Initially I thought this universal, schizophrenic sign of white trash was confined to embarrassing parts of the United States (say....Michigan for example) and not-so-embarrassing places but "city" people would sport this style in order to be trendy or they just don't understand the extent of the flattery the cut brings. Not only have I observed many mullets on people wandering the streets and malls of Manila, but my cousin has brought to my attention of one young lad who works outside of the mall. (Warning: EXTREME PAIN to ensue. Read at your own risk!!) Anyway...This young man had a mullet...not just any mullet but the "business" section was black but the "party" side was rockin' a bit too hard. The whole section is BLONDE.

2. TSK-ING: I used to hear Emily tsk daily by the hundreds (Oh yeah...a LOT of things bothered her.) Usually she'd tsk at either me listening to country music or just stupid people. Little did I realize Emily doesn't even compare to any one of my 2874129 family members on any given hour! Oh MAN...and the tsk-ing isn't only out of frustration. You say anything and let the EXTREME tsk-ing begin!

3. FASHION FAUX PAS: I know. I'm no Joan Rivers and this is the really shallow side of me coming out but this must be brought up. Anyone who really knows me (okay just you, Emma) knows I hate black with brown. This is the least of what Filipinos can do. Old women can wear Jordans with their mom-denim skirts, Men (and some women) can wear swastikas on the backs of their jackets and shirts, and a man can wear a shirt that says "PUSSY EATER" in large letters and he still won't receive any flak for it. Here you can't see it too well, but maybe that's for your own benefit.

So I'm sure there are so many more things I can add to this list but I've saved this draft for over a month and I needed some EXTREME updating.

Bon Voyage?

Since I never paid close attention to details and finding humor in them in past trips to and from the Philippines I figured I document this trip. Once again, my timing is impeccable.

Initially my plan was to stay up all night packing, eat breakfast with coffee so that I would not fall asleep on the drive to Grand Rapids and the flight to Detroit so that once I am flying to Japan I would just DROP (or...fall asleep for the duration of the flight-all 11 hours of it.) That...didn't work out so well. Sure I had steps one and two down, especially the latter, I LOVE bacon, egg, and cheese bagels from McDonald's; however, I stumbled upon the staying awake part. The coffee succombed to the almighty power of the food coma as I fell asleep instantly after the coffee on the way to Grand Rapids.

Once we arrived at the airport we called one of the skycaps to help us with our stuff. I was not fully prepared for Maggie McMulletstein (she must have been a Dutch Jew.) Not only did she carry our boxes like a champion but she helped me check in through the computer! Promotion on aisle 3 for 600 please! So my aunt and I arrive at the gate. I board the plane thinking everything will go smoothly as planned. Well I was Regimen RONG!! The man stopped me and said, "Where do you think you're going with that? That bag is too big." So after failing to fit the bag in the box they decide to charge me $185 for checking in the bag to Manila. For those of you who think money is no object...money IS an object! Fortunately I did NOT curse them out. I was the bigger man.

On to Detroit. Wow, I never thought I'd ever say that but since I'm 10,000 miles away I guess it's safe. I sent a text message to Emily complaining about the cheap Chipotle fix unfulfilled. We board the plane. Since I forgot my sleeping pills I figured I could just take advantage of the free booze provided as an adequate substitute. It went well as planned, except I did not make it past drink number three and fell asleep. Waking up to the smells of the airplane food jeopardized the food in my stomach for I wanted to give the heave-ho in the barf bag. Again, I resisted and remained the bigger man.

Eleven hours later we mercifully landed in Nagoya, Japan. I took much delight in the niceness of the people, the cleanliness of the bathrooms of which I am inferior, and of course the Filipinas who think they're Mariah Carey so they randomly break out in song. Fast forward another five hours and we're finally in Manila! ROCK. Manila, where faux pas are excusable, women in their seventies are still cool enough to wear Jordans, and EVERYONE has the singing voice of a bird.


Wish me luck on my quest to attend TWO weddings (no one tells me these things!) and one EXTREME retirement party and to get wiggity wasted with the president of the Philippines. I better find the little dwarf first! But don't worry! I'll be okay!