Psh...Who needs ESPN?

I do! Without it I wouldn't be able to regurgitate everything I watch in order to create this post. I know I won't be able to write columns for ESPN even though I truly enjoy watching sports, appreciate listening to sports writers' opinions, I love watching trivia shows such as "Stump the Schwab." I thought I'd give my opinion on a few things around the world of sports instead of focusing on one team. Since these are MY thoughts, there won't be anything deep here.

Now if I were to focus on one team it would be my favorite Atlatna Braves, who are currently in last place in the NL East. Their win Sunday Night over Tampa Bay actually lifted them to last from dead place. Yes, Luke Wilson was right: dead place does exist. As a Braves fan I'd like to bring up that it was approximately around this time that the Braves of fourteen years ago brought in Bobby Cox when the Braves were in a similar situation. Their season turned around and they won a zillion of their remaining regular-season games and thus began the beginning of their NL East division champions dynasty. For my sake we won't talk about the post-season unless it's 1994. At this point, Bobby Cox should call me up from Double A. I have a killer golf swing.

...and they lost to the Yankees in the 12th inning tonight with A-Rod's home run. So I guess they're back in dead place.

On a brighter note I'm actually starting to watch the World Cup on my own. It seems as if gatherings to watch soccer is much more lightheartedand jolly than watching American football. World peace is temporaily in effect....or not. I guess this is the influence three South African friends can put on you. As an American I find it shameful that we, the most powerful and most influential country, are not as gung-ho about soccer- excuse me, football, as the other 99% of the world. Is it becuase American soccer is as formidable as say, American Baseball? (That was in reference to the U.S. not winning the inaugural World Baseball Classic as expected, you sports imbeciles.) Speaking of imbeciles, if Bruce Arena weren't such a dolt of a soccer coach, maybe the Americans could have advanced out of their group instead of Italy and Ghana. It could have been us whom Brazil slaughtered on Tuesday. Instead we lost badly to Ghana, overcelebrated mediocrity but tying Italy while the Italians were beating themselves upside their heads, and let the Czechs remind the U.S. where they stand in international soccer.

While we're on the topic of shameful and awful, how about the Miami Heat winning the NBA Title? Since I'm not writing for ESPN (yet,) I'm allowed to be biased. So much had been going around on who was to blame/credit for Miami's win. Could it possibly have been Miami's inner strength and realization that they were on the verge of losing the first three games? Could it have been Pat Riley's experience and leadership? Was it even Chicagoan Dywane Wade's Jordan-esque performance? Some blame the Dallas Mavericks and how they were too busy complaining about how David Stern and the rest of the NBA is constantly conspiring against the Mavs- and how Mark Cuban was able to convince the whole city of the aforementioned. Is it even possible that Dallas cannot even play defense and had a series meltdown? I prefer to go another route. I do not blame Dallas' meltdown but I blame my beloved Detroit Pistons. Yes, you heard it, I blame Detroit. Had it not been for Detroit's massive choking being the number one seeded team in the postseason, we wouldn't have this discussion and I would still be out celebrating to this day. Our Fort Knox-like defense had been broken into and their shots just would not go in. Maybe it was fatigue from the seven-game series with Cleveland beforehand. Nah. We simply choked.

Well, that is all I feel like talking about in the world of sports. I would have talked about the U.S. Open in golf which took place about ten days ago, the Duke Lacrosse team scandal, and tonight's NBA draft and how the New York Knicks wasted a completely good opportunity to improve as if they could get any worse. I mean, out of all the talented players on tap, they chose Renaldo Balkman out of South Carolina first?! I should not be angry about this. I know everything there is to know about stports, I can name every player from every team in every major sport, and I should go to Medill J-school, work for ESPN, and move to Bristol, Connecticut. There's nothing more to say.

...for now.

I'm such a horrible person.

This is written for many reasons:
1- Clearly it's been more than two months since my last update. Where the F have I been? Oh you know...here and there but sadly not in MinneROCKolis.
2- I am deferring my accounting studies for a later hour in favor of posting. Obviously I have my priorities straight: updating my life, getting a date, studying...in that order. At least I used an accounting term? Yeah, so is "simple capital structure." Try using that in everyday conversation.
3- I am the queen of inappropriateness...If that is even a fing word. Fing. Not "f'ing," "friggin," or even the more vulgar "fucking." Fing. I never thought I'd catch on to it being the sultan of swearing or the duchess of dirty mouths but "fing" has its charm. Thanks, fiance. :)
4- I'm sick of opening my blog to see a COFFIN and I bet you are too. The coffin was fun but it's losing its novelty factor.

Quick update: I've moved, It's finals week, and I still need to have a housewarming party.

So back to inappropriateness. Here are a few instances where I either acted or forced others to act, inappropriately in chronological order.

Thursday, May 18: After some Tom Foolery before picking up the two gophers (Asian and Irish, respectively) arrived we celebrated our reunion by having a brew and as Robert so aptly put, "soberly ate drunk" though we would have done so in any circumstance. We decided to burn off the massive amount of calories by giving it to the Mons with the curiously large hands. Observe:He' s so lifelike! We Asians know how to enjoy ourselves. Did I mention we only had one brew and not ten? No? Okay....well next example (there are MANY.)

Friday, May 19: Oh dear. This may make you think you're reading about a 37-hour day. Maybe because someone was asleep for 25 of them. I'll try to keep this as entertainingly concise as possible. It all started bright and early at 10 am when we waited to buy champagne. Why, you ask? Becuase they wouldn't sell the champagne to use at 9am, silly! While loading the furniture from the apartment to the HORSE trailer (just kidding- it was adorned with Harley-Davidson accessories,) we stumbled (figuratively) across an M&M costume and a large, indescribable wig. Being a pushover, I donned both.

My companions abandoned me to handle the 84598 dirty looks and the "why are you wearing that"s and "Can I have some M&Ms?" by myself. Not only did I shame my friends, but I shamed the academic institution I attend by misrepresenting myself as DePaul's official M&Ms lady to young lads and lassies touring around the school.

After working up a good sweat (either that, or we just didn't shower immediately,) we took turns in the shower. Correction: we took turns showering while drinking Bacardi with a splash of Pepsi. While it was my turn I either spontaneously thought of a question or I sensed food had arrived I peeked my head out the door to yell for Emma. To my surprise it was her dad. Good God I almost gave him a show. Remember the drinking in the shower? That may or may not have led to the constant dropping freely under the influence of gravity. Either that or I tripped poor Robert. The literal stumbling begins. Nothing figurative here: This was the first time we uh, tripped on the cracks. Yeah...that's it. It was the sidewalk.




Unfortunately there was a second time tripping on the crack. Notice how we were nowhere near any sidewalks at either time. Simply shameful and inappropriate public behavior. At least you're only young once?

Also Emma and I shared a few sentimental moments. Since this is a post about inappropriateness there has to be catch: Okay, so we swayed, linked arms, and held hands for only a short time during Jason Mraz's rockin' performance. How fing couplish.

Saturday, May 20: By the way....we like 'em thick.

If this doesn't solidify our one-way (I'm hoping for a round-trip,) ticket to hell I don't know what does. By the way we definitely had a good, excessively hearty laugh over this: It's really not that funny. I'm sure the Michelangelos who created that did not paint those people for the sake of a giggle one would make upon hearing the word "wee-wee."

After a dinner in which both Emma and I somehow behaved like civilized adults, the effort went to waste as I managed to practice my "ER" audition on _______________!!
"Code blue! We have a doctor getting down! Paging Dr. ________!"
"So...can I call you Dr. _______?"

But before then I almost slapped the bum of 6'6" Ron. Thankfully I displayed better judgment for he turned out to be Dr. ________'s friend for whom he was waiting.
Sadly my two companions left me the next day. I was left to act inappropriately on my own. Being the total jackass I am, I sadly do not disappoint.

Monday, May 29: While at a friend's house catching up with some amigos I found myself subconsciously eating ketchup and three helpings of barbecue sauce by themselves and making old man laughs. As a result I scared at least two of my friends away. Yikes!

Friday, June 1: Simply put, I said the words, "I've never been fon-did before" and "I'm going to fondue you" at a fondue restaurant. Creating a scene to put those words into context is not necessary. These words should never be put together in this order at any time. That takes the cake...or the chocolate fondue. Someone please put duct tape over my mouth...or tape my fingers together so I won't be able to type.

Also, you can add inappropriate times Emma and I whispered and giggled to each other while being designated to our corners.

Well, since I have passed the time and gave an update to my life, I'm going back to studying. I'm inappropriate, awkward, and not nice. Simply put, I'm bad folk. Thank you.

There, now you won't see the extreme coffin when you go to this page. That is, unless it's your intention.